WORLD W1N READER COMMENTARY (previous draft) Just recently (December 2008 - After winning a guessing contest for a jar of brads at the Screenwriting Expo) had a professional give me a review of World W1n which didn't get very high marks. Don't exactly know where I'm going to take this script next. It still needs a lot of work. Also below I'm including my old reviews I got done at Triggerstreet.com. These were given to me in the very early days of World W1n which was way back in 2004.
-The Script Department- Type of Material: Screenplay • Title: World W1n • Number of Pages: 131 • Author: Eli Williamson-Jones • Coverage type: Basic • Circa: 2012 • Payment type: Free • Coverage Location: New York, Washington, various locations • Coverage Date: 12/3/08 • Genre: Science-Fiction Thriller/Spiritual Drama • Political Analyst: Tony Robenalt LOG LINE: An idealistic Secretary General of the U.N. struggles to stop the President of the United States, a crazed Christian fundamentalist, from taking actions that could bring about World War III. Meanwhile, an enlightened alien race recruits an army of non-violent human peace marchers.
COMMENTS: Eli, Thank you for letting us read WORLD W1N. You have a crisp, evocative writing style that, while dense at times, really jumps off the page. Also, I think you do a great job handling action and drama on a massive scale—some of your set-pieces are very impressive, and I can’t help but admire your ambition. That said, there are two things that are holding your script back in a major way: a construction of your thematic argument that becomes oppressive and overbearing, especially when the script passes its mid-point; and a narrative structure that undermines the genre in which you’re telling this story. Theme Ideally, theme in drama should be a dialectic—an argument between a thesis (non-violence is the path to unity and peace) and an anti-thesis (violence on a global level is the way to bring about peace). Each sequence should escalate that debate until you come to a point in the story where you arrive at a truth that is either a marriage of both sides (but which favors one side) or that goes BEYOND both arguments (the synthesis). In WORLD W1N, your thematic sides are represented by Makara and John Franklin. The extremes are Rev. Greyson and the Algaurians. Dominik is the middle ground—the captive audience who is being swayed by both sides and must ultimately arrive at a synthesis of sorts. From a character point-of-view, all of the elements are there. The problem is, you never really offer us a fair assessment/representation of Franklin’s side, and when the Algaurian’s come into play, you essentially hit the same philosophical beat—the same argument (non-violence is the key)—over and over until the end of the script. It becomes oppressive. Dominik flirts with the other side, the idea that sometimes violence can be used for the greater good, but even his counter-point is crushed under your ideal because you construct your scenes in such a way to portray Dominik’s attempts at violence as OBVIOUSLY wrong. There is no grey area. As a result, a story that could be a perfect forum for a complex exploration of these two sides turns into a one-sided argument. The problem here is that the two sides of your dialectic are NOT being represented by Makara and John Franklin, but ultimately by Greyson and the Algaurians. And Greyson goes beyond an archetype to become a stereotype—he’s far too extreme. In addition, John Franklin, who should be a conflicted character, doesn’t offer any real resistance to Greyson’s ideas until the end. He questions Greyson’s interpretation of the bible on a number of occasions, but it isn’t until the last act that we find out why he has become the man he’s become, and that he was never fully invested in the philosophy the Christian radicals advocate. The Algaurians are also too extreme, and are so obviously in the right the way you’ve written them that their presence in your story becomes a hindrance. If you want to continue to go the science fiction route (and I’ll address that in a bit), I have an idea that could reconcile this problem, but that would fundamentally change the nature of your story: Combine John Franklin and Dominik. Have Franklin be the central character who has been swayed by Rev. Greyson (I think Rydel is an extraneous character), but who is perpetually conflicted. He believes that sometimes violence must be used to achieve a state of peace, but he doesn’t totally buy into Greyson’s ideas. Makara is his foil. She believes that non-violence and unconditional love are ideals, but isn’t convinced that the forced non-violence and unity the Algaurians advocate is the right path. (Side note: In many ways, the Algaurians remind me of the Borg from Star Trek—which, of course, isn’t what you were going for.) She doesn’t believe enlightenment comes from sweeping gestures (the march) but from individual realization; however, she admires what the Algaurians are trying to do, and is thus conflicted the same way Franklin is. Another option would be to turn this into a political thriller, retain Dominik as the conflicted central character and do away with the Algaurians. The battle for Dominik’s heart could be waged between Makara and Franklin, with BOTH sides offering convincing arguments. Since I believe you wrote this as a science fiction thriller, and probably want to keep it as such, I would suggest finding a way to strengthen Franklin’s side of the thematic debate by NOT making it so obviously wrong and the Algaurians’ so obviously right. Genre and structure One of your strengths as a screenwriter is your ability to deftly handle large scale action set-pieces. It’s obvious that you’re a fan of science fiction, and that you work well within the genre. With that in mind, I think you should introduce the Algaurians much earlier. In fact, I would do it on page five, right when we arrive in 2012. As written, the Algaurians make their first appearance on page forty-two, which is far too late—the first forty-one pages are basically a political drama. In other words, you switch genres almost a third of the way into the story. Establish this as a science fiction thriller right off the bat by giving us some glimpse of the Algaurians, even if it’s just the odd effects their sphere has on our planet. Take another look at CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. Spielberg reveals the aliens in piecemeal, but starts us off with some really bizarre and jarring signs of their presence. (Side note: I love the idea of the sphere-as-spacecraft, but you might want to rethink that in light of the THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL remake, which does the same thing.) Make sure the Algaurians factor into the story in some manner from that point on, culminating, of course, with their arrival in New York City. If the audience knows they’re watching a science fiction thriller, which your poster makes pretty obvious (I cheated and took a look at your web page), then they’re likely to get antsy if a good chunk of your story features no science fiction elements at all. In this case, it’s over forty minutes. (A lot of readers might not get that far into your script.) I’m actually a fan of slow starts, but there has to be some indication of genre. Even THE EXORCIST, which took a while to get to its first shock scene, always let you know there was trouble brewing—from its opening sequence on. It focused heavily on character-driven drama, but with a firm supernatural underpinning. Summary The core idea of your script is quite intriguing, and I think it can work if you embrace a certain degree of thematic detachment. Right now, it’s TOO obvious where you stand on the issue. You’ve used your screenplay not as a forum for philosophical debate but as a pulpit of sorts. Again, it’s important that you think of theme as a dialectic. You will of course arrive at the same conclusion, but it will be the script’s destination rather than its foundation. As such, I think it will be more powerful, because you will have engaged the intellect as well as the heart. You will have offered us a fair representation of the other side and allowed us to make our own journey to your side. In other words, your approach to our hearts and minds will have been more Makara-ian and less Algaurian. Also, I think you should reveal the genre as early as possible. Right now, page five seems to be the ideal place. |
2004 Trigger Street Reviews
Reviewed by: Rynn Unbelievable I know a lot of work went into this and that it represents someones religious beliefs so I will try not to attack the issues that I do not like. Plot wise it is unbelievable. 8 years from now people are that fanatic? Bush may be nuts, but he's not that far gone and the reason is because no one would elect anyone that gone. Hitler took much longer with way better propaganda. The flash backs of all the characters was too much. Most of them not even needed. You could save 20 pages by cutting them. The dialogue made the plot even harder. People just don't talk like this. Not even fanatics. I did like the alien concept, but kill the independace day rip offs. Over all it's cool to put personal messeges in writing, but try not to beat anyone over the head with it. It's hard to listen if you are forced to. I'm not religious so some of this is offensive, but I can actually sit through many church preachers. And I grew up to some. They are rarely this annoyingly preachy. And have you ever been to a black church. They are a lot more interesting than what you have portrayed. Also, save some pages by taking pages 1-10 and making it about 5 pages. I hope other reviewers like it alot more. I had to be the mean one. -- August 2, 2004 - 2:26 AM Review Id: 723097 Reviewed by: miriamp Information Overload The first rule of fiction writing is "show, don't tell." In a screenplay, it means that you have to keep in mind whether or not you are describing something that can be seen. "The crowds are shocked..." "John ... doesn't notice Makara yet." These are not useful to either a director or a cameraman. In every application except one, you've confused 'your' and 'you're'. AIDS is always capitalized because it's an acronym. When you hear a character's voice and see something else, you use (V.O.), not "DOMINIK'S VOICE." The real problem with this screenplay is the structure. You've tried to bring in way too much and all your plots and sub-plots are competing for coverage. You've got Dominik, his parents, Makara and Alice, and John Franklin. All of these people have primary scenes plus flash-backs. You've given Dominik sub-plots involving his wife and kids as well as his parents. Each of these primary scenes and all of the flash-backs involve secondary characters that move through without verbal introduction from any dialogue. You've also called out for some very expensive special effects and locations, not to mention the thousands of extras to be paid. Focus on the essence, then cut. -- July 31, 2004 - 5:57 PM Review Id: 722531 Reviewed by: faolwyn review of World W1n. The formatting is good, is easy to read through. The convention of “more†and “continued†is falling by the wayside as I understand. I found both to be distracting and redundant. The most crucial problem with this script is that it is far too long. The real story doesn’t begin until around page 80 or so. Up till then we are bludgeoned with religious rhetoric and violent visions of a world gone mad. Its all overkill and back-story anyway. Along with this is dialogue that is stiff and awkward. Much of it is too literal. Dominik never achieves a level of believability for me, first as UN leader and then later when he focuses on killing John. Makara has interesting potential, though not yet fully realized. John, interestingly enough is the only one I believe. Both in his drive for power and his eventual enlightenment. In many ways this feels like two stories. One is a religious battle over the end times and Christ’s mission, the other a story of aliens’ who have a gift to share with us that will lead to a more peaceful world. While they have overlapping ideologies, the stories themselves are not working together at this point. And you have to know that any script this full of religious doctrine is going to be an uphill fight. -- July 19, 2004 - 11:49 AM Review Id: 715689 Reviewed by: Blackduck NOT MY WORLD VIEW Besides being overly long, the subject matter of this screenplay is way out of my spere of involvement so I'll try and skirt the troubles I had with the idea of Christians as saviours and benevolent aliens. To more pressing matters. Way too much of this screnplay occurs in a) flashbacks - and convoluted ones that also include dreams b) voice over and c) on television screens of various size and location. When a script resorts to masses and masses of newsreports I grow weary..because inevitably (and this is true here) it is all about exposition... and we get tons of it here. The other problem is the dialogue..again I have no religious leanings at all so maybe I'm wrong...but people don't speak like this... maybe in religous circles they do..if so i admit to my failing. I also have problems with the apparent accptance by the characters generally of the outrageous things they see or are told. People seemd to hop into the white beam as though it were an elevator. The army shoots missiles, fights break out and people move on? But mostly I found it too long and too expository. At every turn a newsreader would tell us what was happening,... and in unbelievable dialogue. -- July 19, 2004 - 6:40 AM Review Id: 715568 Reviewed by: ed marks A Review of W1N This is an ambitious piece that needs work. I would say the first thing the writer needs to do is scale it down. It takes on too much. The alien scenes, for instance, could be deleted entirely, as well as many of the flashbacks. The next step would be to nuance the characters. Everyone in this script is either a saint or a sinner -- there are no "real" people here. The story suffers from the same kind of binary thinking that it seeks to indict. The political maneuverings, also, are overly simplistic. International relations is a highly complex and shifting discourse. Here it is reduced to a board game. One wonders how Dominik, an American, became Secretary General of the U.N. at a time when the U.S. is so hostile to the United Nations. Or, for that matter, how a thirty-something soup kitchen director in New York wins a Nobel Prize. I applaud your willingness to wade into these deep waters, but in doing so, you have to accept the complexity of the subject matter. Good luck. -- July 17, 2004 - 7:47 PM Review Id: 714844 Reviewed by: phillbarron Fantastic Imagination This is a very ambitious script with some excellent ideas. I think your imagination is fantastic, the imagery contained within is some of the best I've read here. You have a few issues with formatting, ie: Dominik starts on a roof, gets to the ground, crosses a road and enters Central Park, all under the scene heading BUILDING ROOF, MANHATTAN - I think it would be better to seperate this into individual scenes. Following on from this, the mugger in Central Park is a very clumsy device to introduce Makara, particularly since he appears when Dominik is being chased by armed agents; for a while I thought he was one of them. Some of the dialogue is a bit stilted and almost redundant. Inside the sphere we are told the corridor contain organisms. Rita says - What are they? Makara replies - Some kind of organisms. We already knew that! You use a lot of dreamscapes, which gets a little confusing, particularly the ones in the last act. I felt these spoilt the build up to the climax, it's hard to maintain a sense of urgency when people have time to daydream. John's change of heart and his redemption feel way too quick and easy, out of charactor for such a fanatic. There's a lot to sort out here, but the idea is sound, so keep rewriting. -- September 9, 2004 - 1:48 PM Review Id: 740783 :World W1n (Final Trigger Street Revision) Interesting Concept There's a lot of interetsnig stuff here, but I think you need to go through it again andtry and make the political aspects as complex as the religious aspects. The characters tend to be a little simplistic for what you're trying to do, and many of their decisions lack the air of reality that you need to do justice to the parts of the story that are well developed and thought out.This subject matter appears to mean a lot to you, so I'm a little reluctant to even make this suggestion -- I certainly mean no offense by it, but I think this material would work really well as a comedy. In that mode, the script wouldn't need a whole lot more work except to recognize the potential for laughs and develop it. It's possible to pursue a serious agenda at the same time, like in Dogma or Wag the Dog.Good luck with it. -- September 5, 2004 - 8:05 AM Review Id: 738520 Reviewed by: eanderso Well-written, hard sell The strength of this piece is that it's quite well-written, engrossing and timely...even more so if Bush gets re-elected. I found myself turning page after page wondering what would happen next, and that bodes very well for your writing. The biggest problem is...it will probably never see the big screen. As one screenwriting guru said recently: "What's the point of writing a screenplay that will never get made?" Well, in this case, it's given you a strong outline to turn it into a novel, which is probably the only way it will ever be viewed by the masses. The problem is, you can't really even use this as a writing sample for Hollywood, because studios and producers will be very sensitive to the elements included: nuclear war, terrorism, religious fervor, etc. and won't bank on something like this to make them money --- and that's their bottom line. The second problem is that it would be far too expensive for an independent company to make. Please don't take any of this as criticism of you or your script --- I'm ranking it highly --- but instead as a piece of advice from someone who wrote a comedy about the second coming and freaked out several prodcos in the process. Write it as a novel and you're sure to find a publisher -- September 1, 2004 - 11:50 AM Review Id: 737064 Reviewed by: larryteip World W1N The basic premise of this movie is sustainable. The world approaches armageddon. The final conflict between good and evil. The destruction of civilization. There are however, numerous problems with this screenplay, some technical, some with storytelling. The main technical problem with this script is that the action paragraphs are much too dense. I have been told, because I have this problem myself sometimes, that action paragraphs should contain no more than 3 lines. Not sentences, lines. You tell way too much here. I feel that if you cut these down, you could eliminate ten pages, or more, and that's a good thing. A fast, smooth read is what you're after; this reads very slowly. The problem I found with storytelling is that you've set up one story and you pay off another. Your main theme is misguided people acting in the name of God. The alien intervention appears from nowhere, and this is the payoff of the script. You're passionate about your subject. Focus on it in a rewrite. Eliminate all threads that don't deal with your main theme. Stay focused on what you really want to tell us. You're passionate, and that will allow that passion to come through. -- August 31, 2004 - 8:27 PM Review Id: 736813 |